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Post by Onishiba on Jun 30, 2008 14:18:49 GMT -5
That's better. *pets*
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Weegee
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Post by Weegee on Jun 30, 2008 15:14:56 GMT -5
^_^ I'm glad.
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Post by Bardpado on Jul 1, 2008 4:14:10 GMT -5
*Looks at new fangled YouTube button*
Oh. Sorry, I was distracted by the awesome new button.
I can just imagine the taste of Coke... This kinda reminds me about Tani-sensei's cookies from Vol.5 of School Rumble. XD
Moving on, new character and good story progression. Something quite worthy of manga adaptation. Preferably done in Shaman King or School Rumble style animation. I can just imagine it now.
Though, there's just something missing. I can't think of what it is, but it's not descriptive writing. It's something else you're missing... Probably, expressions?
While I was reading through, I saw some situations where sighing or gulping were good to put in, but weren't present. You should probably work on those reactions and not just those cheeky reactions like "gleamed and smiled nefariously". Those just set the emotion, but sighs & gulps and other reactions enhance the reading quality and really immerse the reader.
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Foozdude
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Post by Foozdude on Jul 1, 2008 10:48:53 GMT -5
Oh, very nice indeed.
I am glad you finally broke away at the beginning and in the middle for some descriptive sentences, which helps make the setting and the atmosphere clearer, in addition to the characters' appearances.
It may or may not have been mentioned before, but you should try utilizing Bold and Italics. This is really just nit-picking, but it draws emphasis on to a word, and can overall change the feeling of a sentence.
All in all, your most successful piece of writing yet. I expect to see more literature, and for you continue to thrive and develop. [thumbs-up]
Addendum: Yes, to go with what Bardpado suggested, it seems as though your writing does somewhat lack expressive words, or action words. While you may have intended to display it in your mind, it does not turn out so in your typed stories. A quick double-check as previously mentioned could help to that, or even to think through the writing process again, to make sure if you can add anything else.
However, my point still stands. This is your best work so far, but don't let that inhibit your abilities. Grow more, and write even better. :3
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Weegee
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Post by Weegee on Jul 1, 2008 14:32:08 GMT -5
To Bard: Heh. Coke. Anyway, I've been working on adapting a story into manga, and it's called Project Metalheads. It's centered over Shinsuke Uno (whose name came to me on a math final, actually), who is surnamed the "Terror of Tokyo" because of his amazing guitar skillage. He moves to America and meets up with a rock band consisting of Axel Clutch, Amythest Gem (Amy Gem), and a man who goes by the name of Loaf (Real name is Adrian Squire). They consist of the vocalist, bassist, and drummer, respectively. And that is my leading idea.
In fact, I've been working with anime adaptions since I was like 6. My first idea was Android, a boy named Andrew Intel who got into a car crash and broke all of his everything. Doctors replaced them with robotic replacements, making him a childish, skin-having Robocop. He joined up with a couple of other power-having tweens, making it so much more like an American Justice League cartoon.
To Fooz: Yes, I was awake when I wrote this, making it a lot better than your regular installment. I thank you for the feedback, and I believe I haven't wrote anything much better because I haven't had a good enough inspiration.
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Post by Weegee on Jul 1, 2008 22:59:07 GMT -5
Yet another double-post of awesome. I've decided to update once more.
**************************************** *CHAPTER ONE: TURNABOUT SUPERNOOB (Part 3)* ****************************************
Furry allowed me to eat a couple of fishsticks just to watch me barf them up later. Little did he know that I could keep food down well. He escorted me to an elevator located in the main lobby. I glanced at Fay and remembered a question I should've asked Bard in the first part of the chapter. I turned to him.
"So what's the deal with Fay?" I asked. Bard glared back at me.
"Is there some kind of problem you'd like to bring up that involves Fay? If there is, you'll end up like Rekai," he said in a very solemn tone.
"No," I replied. Bard put on another inquisitive face. "I wanted to know what the connection between it and the noobs is."
"Despite your heftily grammatically incorrect statement," Bard started. That sentence was totally correct, I thought. There's just no difference for it in pronouns, like him and he. "I will answer that question."
"Fay," Bard continued, "has this sort of radar that is placed on its nose that tracks noobs. Just like Wolverine from X-Men, but for noobs only. Now, the reason Fay was scared by Daniel is this: Fay's nose knows for only a 50 mile radius. If Fay's nose knows for more than that, this noob is on the borderline of level 4. It is up to us to stop that from happening."
"We've reached the floor. Be prepared," Furry said. I gulped nervously. The doors opened slowly. So very slowly... that is until Furry took a fast glance at the doors. He smiled at me and started prying the doors open. "Oh, this happens a lot. With all the funds we're getting from Swedish Bank Accounts, you'd think we'd have fixed the elevator doors," Furry said jokingly. The doors were shoved open. What I saw was unbelievable.
Outside was a cornicopia of sweetness and rainbows. There was a hill not so far away that grew lollipops, and was accompanied by the babbling of an orange soda brook, which created very tasty river mist. In the distance was a gigantic CANDY MOUNTAIN! The trees were made of licorice. The sand was cookie bits. And the sea was made of flavored sparkling water. And then the doors closed.
"Wrong...floor," Furry said aggresively, pressing the button to the right floor very fast.
"What was that?" I asked, jaw dropping.
"Heh, that was Kay's 'happy place'. It's the one place in the Consortium that Kayorei can move about without being trapped in Cyberspace or being limited to a holographic projector," Furry said. I looked over at the button that Furry pressed seconds ago. It read "THIRTEEN" in those letters and was dimly lit.
"Why floor thirteen?" I asked.
"Because it made sense. But be careful. Around floor 30, the lights die and electricity stops."
"Why?" I asked annoyingly.
"Because Kay's reach of power only reaches to floor 31. Among the 100 floors of this place, that's about all. Except, they're more like basements, because you'll notice we're not going up." The elevator lights flickered, and made an emergency stop. Some rope came out of the top hatch. A sign was attached to tell you which way to go.
"That's innovative," I said, dumbfounded by the entire setup. We all pulled at the rope, until a ding came from the elevator.
"We are here," Furry said eerily. The doors opened very slowly, almost as if controlled by a poltergeist. The floor we walked onto was dank, lit only by the floodlights above our heads. Even they were low in light, though. There was a dripping sound in the background, which would drive any sane man mad. We started moving. Every step made a disgusting squish sound.
"Why are our shoes squishing?" I asked Furry, who I could barely see but saw he was moving faster than either of us.
"This is factor 1 in making you nark. What you're stepping in is guano from the bats that still live in these prisons. When noobs finally become Drifters from the intense living conditions, they started making a vile smell. So we hired gigantic bats to get rid of the remains of festering noob-flesh," Furry responded, looking back at me. The half-cat part of him lit up his eyes in the near-dark situation.
The thought of bats didn't scare me much, I had been spelunking a lot before selling my soul. But it was Furry's eyes that scared me. He was interestingly serious about his job. We entered a double-lock door with help from Bard, and I saw dimly lit prison cells. Inside were skeletons of the stick figure noobs that also scared me a bit. One prison cell contained a dead one, with meat on the bones. Furry tapped my shoulder and said with a dark voice,
[glow=red,2,300]"Feeding Time."[/glow]
A large shadow appeared on top of the body and started devouring the flesh of the noob. It disappeared without a trace, leaving only an eyeball protruding from the skeleton. It was about that time that I narked all over the prison bars. Furry continued on, leaving me behind. Bard came to my side.
"Pretty nasty, see?" he asked. I couldn't see his expression, but it was most likely sympathetic. "Happened to me the first time too."
"Yeah...not nice," I replied, still tasting the nark in my mouth. "Got any toothpaste on you?" A tube was rested on my shoulder. "Since when does anyone ever have toothpaste on them at anytime of the day?"
Bard appeared to have shrugged. "I don't know. You're lucky to have me as a friend."
"Yeah," I said as politely as possible. "But you're unlucky to have your knee in a pile of guano." There was a pause. What happened next is something I can't repeat on national television. Or private forum board. Either is exempted from hearing Bard's colorful use of the English language.
But the moment was short, as Furry interrupted with a disturbing curiosity-inspiring interrogant: "Guys, where's Daniel?" ************************************************** END PART 3
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Post by Bardpado on Jul 2, 2008 5:08:41 GMT -5
S#!^&)(*_@)$($@&*$()!!!!!!!!!!!^%^*(#()! *Tristan* Holy **** on a **** sandwich! With a side helping of ****! The n00b just escaped from the clutches of the jail cell!I can sense the EMOness oozing out of your finger tips and... I can see the stick figure bones on manga right now... Nicely done! The portrayal and story is awesome and worthy of praise! The emotion and the settings are clearly defined... And I can almost imagine Kay running around like a little child in that domain. ^^
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Foozdude
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Post by Foozdude on Jul 2, 2008 10:22:32 GMT -5
I believe replacing 'emoness' with 'enthralling' or 'dark' would help to convince Glenn that's a good thing. After all, 'emo' isn't the only term for something which is creepy or unnerving.
I can't say I didn't like it, due to its descriptiveness. However, I did dislike the constant contrast between 'silly' and 'dark' quite a bit. It just does not help to create a serious plot-line, if you throw comedic relief before a serious piece. It can be interpreted as attempting to follow the same line of thought, and therefore reduces the impact of Daniel escaping and the amount of stress and turmoil the others may go through.
Eh, I liked the previous chapter, although your use and knowledge of writing is improving.
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Post by Onishiba on Jul 2, 2008 10:24:19 GMT -5
Well, I did like Kayorei's happy place... though I agree on you with misplacing it a little.
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Post by Weegee on Jul 2, 2008 14:51:54 GMT -5
@bard: Heh. I'm capable of writing dark stuff, especially if I feel like crap. Like most people, I amplify my feelings into writing, making me scared of my own writing sometimes. This is one such exception. I wrote this in a stoic mood, therefore this is darkness in small context. @fooz: I understand you. However, I like writing to make people laugh, so if at any point in the story that I see an oppurtunity to make laughter, I take that chance. Yet, I guess I could change that around. One chapter will involve Kayorei's retirement, and it is NOT going to be pretty. And it's not going to be next chapter, either. Onishiba and to Bard as well: I have that liking of making a situation of near scary amazing ROYAL RAINBOW-power. It's called killing minds with kindness. (That would make a good sig...)
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Zettamiles1
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Post by Zettamiles1 on Jul 2, 2008 17:53:17 GMT -5
With the last post you earned 45 hate points. 100 are worth a special meeting with the Falcon Ruler of Rules. Also, WTF is with you, Glenn and your n00b-protectors. Next chapter, I completely own your little defense thingies. Or else. Because those n00b protector thing stuffz are just n00bs in disguise. And yeah, a Falcon Ruler of Rules is on their way too. A special meeting huh? How many do I have in sum? Time for payback.. >: )
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Post by Onishiba on Jul 2, 2008 18:00:09 GMT -5
One chapter will involve Kayorei's retirement, and it is NOT going to be pretty. And it's not going to be next chapter, either. Dear Lord... you guys sure make Kayorei's retirement from challenging dramatic.
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Post by Weegee on Jul 2, 2008 19:55:17 GMT -5
Eh. What do you think it was? To us new meat that just started challenge taking (Even though I've been around for a year already...), she was our inspiration to start. Therefore, her loss is dramatic.
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Foozdude
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Post by Foozdude on Jul 2, 2008 19:58:21 GMT -5
Eh. What do you think it was? To us new meat that just started challenge taking (Even though I've been around for a year already...), she was our inspiration to start. Therefore, her loss is dramatic. So, if it was only a few who felt that way, be sure to include mixed feelings in the story, such as some feeling strongly, while others applaud her for stepping down and relaxing.
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Post by Weegee on Jul 2, 2008 20:08:51 GMT -5
But of course. There will be those who will play the evil roles. But it's hard to do that. Because it's much more complicated the way I've fit it into the story... if that doesn't already give out any secrets about the story.
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